“Be kind … we will get through this together but only if we stick together, so please be strong and be kind.” Such were the last words the Prime Minister spoke to the country as she announced the Level 4 lockdown in March 2020.

In 2020, empathy reigned; arguably even winning the Government its current sweeping majority.

Kindness has been a buzzword of New Zealand’s pandemic messaging. Empathy has been a widely-acknowledged hallmark of Jacinda Ardern’s leadership.

The Prime Minister herself has said the foundation of her approach is, “Kindness, and … really [being] driven by empathy.” The world agrees; Ms. Ardern has been noted for using the “language of empathy.” Meanwhile The Atlantic describes her as “focused on empathy” and, “Her leadership style is one of empathy…”

In 2020, empathy reigned; arguably even winning the Government its current sweeping majority.

Turns out we tend to have empathy for those whom we like.

But with anti-mandate protesters camped outside her office, the PM’s kindness and empathy are being questioned. Consistently refusing to meet them, she has miscategorised the protesters as anti-vaxxers. “She knows very well that this is about mandates…” scolded academic Bryce Edwards, “it’s a bit of a low blow for the Prime Minister to try and discredit them like that.”

Some protesters haven’t behaved kindly themselves. Spitting, yelling, banging on windows, and threatening MPs is never acceptable, but surely empathy is for everyone?

Recently the American Political Science Review (APSR) examined empathy’s effects. The results are surprising. Turns out we tend to have empathy for those whom we like.

Empathy and kindness, while being desirable traits, might not be the primary qualities we should look for in a leader.

Think this is extreme? Consider sports. When you see someone who supports the Wallabies having a bad day, you’re indifferent. See a fellow AB’s supporter doing the same, your heart melts. We’re more kind to the people in our group. It’s called the empathy gap.

Empathy and kindness, while being desirable traits, might not be the primary qualities we should look for in a leader. The APSR continues, “…our experimental findings show that highly empathic individuals also display greater partisan bias in the censorship of ideas and feelings of schadenfreude. In sum, the evidence we present implies that the real-world effects of empathy are not as positive as they are often assumed to be.”

This might explain Canada’s Justin Trudeau, someone else who has built a political career on empathy. He just declared a state of emergency so that he can freeze the personal assets of people protesting his vaccine mandates.

Let’s demand from our leaders a more durable, much harder piece of mahi: civility to those who think differently.

According to the APSR, the empathy gap actually creates more, rather than less polarisation. “Polarization is not a consequence of a lack of empathy among the public, but a product of the biased ways in which we experience empathy.”

Could it be that the very quality touted as the solution to our wounds and divisions is in fact causing them to become deeper?

Maybe the time has come for us to discount the often convenient, self-affirming trait of empathy.

For the true societal healing we so desperately need, let’s demand from our leaders a more durable, much harder piece of mahi: civility to those who think differently.